He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
