My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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