Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
