you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
