i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
