i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
