Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
