I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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