So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
