she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
