When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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