"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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