When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pants are for mortals
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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