Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I queefed so loud it echoed.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
