I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
