I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
