If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
