At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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