these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
