The maid of honor just puked.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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