I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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