I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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