He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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