I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I faked an abortion last night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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