Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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