There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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