I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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