apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
