My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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