when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
