omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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