My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I want a musical about memes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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