tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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