My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
