so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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