i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
