if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
