I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
