I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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