So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
