Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
