so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
