i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
