I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
