you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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