Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
