Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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