What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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