She is in my trunk
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
