I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
