Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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